I have an aunt with whom I’ve always had a warm relationship. She has an adult son whom I am not close to and who seems to have many struggles. Over the past few years, this son has been in relationships that have resulted in multiple pregnancies. My aunt is always excited about these pregnancies and seems to expect congratulations — even thoughph365, by her own admission, she does not trust her son to be alone with his own child. Now that my cousin is expecting another baby, I feel bad not to have reached out with congratulations or even support. But I also feel it would be disingenuous to do so. It doesn’t seem like my place to express my concern. What seems appropriate? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
When people you love get something they value, it seems apt to congratulate them, regardless of how you view the situation. I would congratulate a friend who won tchotchkes she wanted in a raffle, even if I thought she already had enough of them and even if I’d junk them myself. But if I believed that the situation posed genuine harm for someone — if an alcoholic friend, only tenuously sober, won a case of cognac — I would convey my concerns along with my congratulations.
How does this apply to the human context of an expanding family? Something can be good for one person — as, in this case, having a grandchild is good for your aunt — and bad for others. The welfare of the child, of course, has to be considered first. You leave us to guess about the mother, but when you say that your aunt doesn’t trust her son to be alone with his child, is the thought that he’s too irresponsible to be a caregiver? Or that he poses an actual threat? I suppose you would have indicated if you thought he was a monster. But short of that, we’re still left to wonder whether he’s basically useless (e.g., prone to nodding off, or wandering off, when he should be minding the child) or whether he could actively be making someone in his charge unsafe (as with the reeling drunk who insists on playing ‘‘airplane’’ with baby).
Because you care about your aunt and, presumably, her grandchild, you have to raise with her the issue of what she can do to keep the child from harm, whether from neglect or worse — which, in turn, may well involve her taking up the issue, carefully, with the mother (and the mother of the unborn grandchild, once the baby arrives). Unless that’s a discussion you’ve already had? Plainly, nothing you say will stop her troubled son from fathering children. But you don’t have to rebuff a grandmother’s excitement at having grandkids to encourage her vigilance in protecting them.
We are having trouble retrieving the article content.
Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.
Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.
Thank you for your patience while we verify access.
Already a subscriber? Log in.
Want all of The Times? Subscribe.ph365